TELL ME YOUR STORY

It's the dead of night and I'm sound asleep and my phone rings. I try and ignore it. I tell myself that maybe the caller will give up and go away, but I'm not having any luck because the stupid thing continues to ring. I curse at myself for not turning the ringer off before I went to bed. I decide that since I'm wide awake now and a little irritated, I may as well answer it and see who the hell has theballs to call me so late.

I snatch up the phone off of the receiver, "Hello?" I'm sounding really pissed.
Silence... then suddenly, "Hello? Chris?" The voice sounded really quiet and timid.
"Yes?", I answer.
"It's me, Kevin." came the reply.
Okay, I'm sitting bolt upright now when I discover who it is.
"What's the matter Kevin? Is something wrong? You don't sound too good."
He doesn't answer me right away and I think I hear sniffling on the other end...

He finally answers me, "I'm sorry for calling so late, I just don't know what to do."
"Why? What's the matter Kevin?" Now I'm worried.

"I don't know what to do. I thought I was over it all by now, but it all keeps coming back to me and it hurts. I didn't know who to call."

Now I know what it's all about now and I try to comfort him. Kevin had broken up with his boyfriend a few months ago and from what I know, he was several years older than Kevin and a complete asshole.

"It's okay. Really. What happened? Wanna talk about it? Sometimes it gets easier to handle if you share the burden a bit."
A moment of silence and then, " I called you because I thought you would understand what I was going through, I mean, after you and Derek broke up and all..."
"Yes, yes..." I replied.
He asks me, "How did you get through it? How did you deal with it?"
I take a deep breath, "Actually Kevin, I didn't. It dealt with me for the longest time. I was miserable. There were still so many things I still wanted to share, so many things I wanted to say and do, but couldn't. So many things I felt after Derek and I broke up. There were so many things I had wished that I had done differently. I took a beating. I did everything from blaming myself for the way the relationship ended to blaming Derek for everything that went wrong. The healing comes with time. No other way. I tried keeping myself busy when I had the strength to and broke down and cried like the world was coming to an end when I couldn't stand it anymore."
I knew this was not the answer Kevin was looking for, but hey, it was the truth...
There's no magic spell or miracle pill for that kind of hurt.
"How did you finally get over it?" He asked hopefully.
"Well, I finally got angry. Not a hateful kind of angry, but an angry that gave me a kick in the ass and got me moving again. The kind of angry where you get up and do things that need doing despite the fact that you're dying inside. The kind of angry where you refuse to lay down and die. I told myself that it wasn't anyone's fault. It was just one of those things. I had to learn to let go." Knowing full well that I hadn't completely let go. A small lie, but it helps in any case. (This was originally written July 1995. I'm way over it now, in case anyone's interested.)
"It's just so hard. Were you jealous when Derek started seeing other people?" Kevin seemed ashamed to ask me that question. Truthfully, "I still get jealous, but I know I have no right to object and Derek's happiness became as important to me as well as my own." I try to sound convincing. "Derek and I still love each other, it's just that we outgrew each other and drifted apart. I just found a different way of loving him is all." I tried to explain to Kevin that his situation was a little different from mine. My "Ex" was not an asshole. <sigh>

"Chris! It's just so hard!" Kevin pauses as he breaks down again and I could feel the heartache and pain he was feeling. I knew that feeling. I hated it.
"I feel so worthless Chris. Everything he has is because of me. I paid for everything! I got him his jobs! Everything! Down to the food on the table and the roof over our heads!" Kevin starts sobbing again. "He...he...doesn't even appreciate any of it!"

"Kevin, listen... You can't make someone see something they can't see. It's his problem, not yours." I just realized that I don't even know Kevin's boyfriend's name.
I ask him, "Do you wish you could take it all back?"
"No..." he answers. "I just wish he could see all the things I did for him and remember."
"Let it go, Kevin... Sometimes we have to struggle to move on or just lay there in misery until we do. You're not worthless Kev. Someone I know likes you very much." Uh oh... now
I've gone and done it. I've had a crush on Kevin for a few weeks now and I really didn't want him to know about it...
...or maybe I did?
"WHAT!?" Kevin sounded like someone had just poured ice water down his pants.
"I said...sometimes we..."
"NO! NO! The other thing you said. The part about... Who likes me?"
"Someone I know." I lied. "Who? Please Chris... tell me!" Kevin sounded anxious now.
Hopeful.

Well... now I've said it. I may as well come clean now. "I do, Kev."
"I know Chris. I just wanted to hear it from you." A little laughter crept back into Kevin's voice just then.
I felt really, really, REALLY embarrassed. (Was he laughing?)
I mean Kevin's drop dead good-looking, talented, bright and someone that I think I could make a go of it with. If only he could get past that "big brother" image that he has of me. I see an opportunity here. I'm wondering if I should capitalize on it... (massive guilt, cute puppy... was there really any decision?)
"I think you're very good-looking and it's seems like it's no secret that I like you. I don't hold any hopes of ever getting involved with you though."

"AND why the hell not!?" Kevin sounds excited now. I'm glad for it. The poor thing sounded so miserable a few moments ago. <sigh> To be young and fickle again! How quickly moods and
topics can change...
"BECAUSE..." I begin to explain... "There's a pretty big gap between us. I'm seven years older than you and why would anyone like you waste time with a guy like me?"
"That's not right Chris! So what if you're a couple years older than me!? And why wouldn't I like a 'guy like you' ... whatever that means."

Now Kevin sounds really wound up.
I'm grinning, "Maybe, I just needed to hear it from you, Kevin" Two can play at that game! I can almost see Kevin smiling on the other end of the line. There's a long silence as we think of more things to say. I can't believe I'm making my personal thoughts known to him and he seems to be responding. I'm really, really single and looking very hard for a boyfriend, so naturally, I feel
elated... but... I have to consider Kevin's feelings. Hey! Flirting's good for my ego, but I have to be careful. Kevin's a living, breathing person with a hurt inside. He's vulnerable. Now dammit! Chris!
Why did you have to go and get yourself a conscience!? Most 'hunters' would have gone in for the kill already! AcK! .... I'm just not that type of person... not anymore anyways... I've hurt too many people in the past and too many people have hurt me, so I know what it feels like. I just won't do it whether I mean to or not. I have to go slow and if anything's to be, it will be.

"Well, we'll see..." Now what in the heck does Kevin mean by that!?
"Let's get together some time? Maybe it would be better if you came up here to Maui?"
Kevin lives on Maui and I'm here in Honolulu. (Names and places have been changed to protect the innocent!)
Needless to say, my heart was doing leaps and bounds! "Yeah! Sure! But... my work schedule really bites the 'Big One'. I'm not sure when I'll have a good weekend off to fly up to Maui."
It never fails... I really have to find a new career one of these days. Hopefully, before I start receiving Social Security checks. AcK!

"Anytime is fine with me. I can take most any day off and I can't think of a better reason, can you?" Kevin sounds a lot better now.
"Well, I'll let you know Kev. It sounds really good. Maybe we can get to know each other better that way instead of at the clubs and stuff?" I said hopefully.
"Sounds like a good idea. I like it in fact. Shall I call you tomorrow night?"
Of course! You call me anytime!
"And Chris?... " There's a slight pause... "Yes, Kev?" I realize I'm holding my breath.
"Thanks Chris. I'm going to sleep now. Sweet dreams." I hear him yawn and giggle a little.
"Sweet dreams Kev." I listen as he hangs up the phone and I stay on the line until I hear the dial tone. I hang up the phone slowly. One thing keeps tugging at my mind...
After all of that.....

How the fuck am I supposed to go to sleep now!?

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